yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
