It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
