I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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