I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
