hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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