I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
