I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
