I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
