Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
