I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
