i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
