Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
