It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
