I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So squirting runs in the family.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
