so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize