Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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