nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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