Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
4 words: hood of his car
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
