nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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