weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
