my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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