Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
