Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
