She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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