Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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