I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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