She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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