I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
