Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
