shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
