My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
