I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
