my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
