I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
