I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
