Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
