I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
