You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
