toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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