"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
