Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
