I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
