im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
