the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
