I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
