Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
