Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
