i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
