I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
