The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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