i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
