A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
