do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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