he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
