My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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