I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The uberlube is also flammable
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
