can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Your cock deserves a montage
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
