Already got asked if we're dating
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
