I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
