I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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