How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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