that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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