the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I could have mohawked her pubes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
