So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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