I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
