I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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