remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
