Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
